Adventures in Parenting

Well today was a day where my children excelled at driving me insane.  It started within a minute of getting out of bed; I go to the bathroom and am sitting on the throne, which I did not realize was a public event until I had kids.  I have sang ABCs, corrected homework, recited poems, directed dramas all while taking a dump.  They wait until you cannot move to descend like vultures.  So while I am incapacitated my daughter, Gabby, rushes in, spins around, bends over to take off her clothes to go bathe and farts in my face; I actually felt the gaceous breeze it made on my face.  That was a wake up call.

The day went well other than usual insanity, then I get home and my son, CJ starts up.  He is leaning over into the front seat blocking my access to the passenger front door, so I ask; "CJ, can you please open that door".  "This door daddy?".  "Yes".  CJ leans over, unlocks the door then, locks it back.  "CJ, unlock the Door!".  "This door?"  I stare at him harshly, he gets in the back and locks the back door.  "CJ, UNLOCK, the front DOOR!"  He locks the other back door.  I unlock the back door, grab him by the foot, pull him along the seat and glare at him two inches from his eyes, "Will you just open the front door!"  I go inside to put some stuff down and Gabby shouts to me, "Daddy now he has locked all the doors".  Angry now I march back, open the doors and put CJ in punishment.  I ask him why he is in punishment and he has NO CLUE!  I could see him looking at me like Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes, CJ is obviously on planet Zork battling space aliens.

Within the next hour he goes through a pantomime of misbehaviour, crowned with:  I send him to wash his hands for dinner, wich he does well as reported by Gabby, then comes to the kitchen where I am serving his dinner and he stands behind me.  I turn to find CJ shoulder deep into the garbage bag full of icky, stinky stuff that smells fairly putrid from left overs that was in the fridge for over two weeks.  "CJ WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"  "I am playing Daddy."  He says quite innocently.  Later my wife questioned him about it and he seemed to think there was no problem playing in the garbage.

This is where I fully agree with Bill Cosby; they are brain damaged!